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It used to be that what the bullying teens
feared most was physical—being shoved into walls by
upperclassmen while passing in the halls or the infamous "head
dunking" into the locker room toilet.
The good news is that teachers, social workers and school
resource officers who work with teens say that repeated physical
aggression is no longer the threat it once was. They credit
zero-tolerance policies—students know that fighting and physical
aggression at school are not acceptable and can result in
suspension, even legal action. They also say that education on
the topic of bullying has given teens a better awareness of the
problem and can offer them non-violent ways of dealing with
conflicts (e.g., using a school counselor or peer mediator to
help them work through a problem).
Now, the not-so-good news: Though physical aggression has become
less tolerated, verbal harassment and exclusion among teens,
particularly girls, seem stronger than ever.
About a decade ago, researchers began studying "relational
aggression." This is the way those in popular groups or cliques
exclude others by gossiping, teasing and spreading false rumors.
In her book Queen Bees and Wannabes, Rosalind Wiseman
writes that competition during the teenage years about looks,
popularity, friends, boys, grades and sports is often what
drives girls apart and encourages them to bully each other.
Like fighting among boys, exclusion and name-calling have also
long been part of the girls' teen culture. But now, with
technology like e-mail, instant messaging (IM) and cell phones,
teens who want to be mean can do so at any time and with virtual
anonymity. Out of a parent or teacher's sight, this type of
harassment is much harder to track. Faceless technology can also
encourage teens to say things that are much meaner and damning
than they might say face-to-face.
Relational aggression can also lead to physical aggression.
Today, girls are as likely to be the ones throwing punches as
boys used to be. However, even if rumors and taunts don't evolve
into hitting, they can make school and home (particularly if
cyberbullying is happening) feel just as unsafe as physical
bullying can.
What families can do to bolster teens
against relational bullying
Here are some ideas to help bolster your teens
against relational bullying:
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Reinforce
teens' self-esteem/discourage the bystander mentality.
When teens believe they are strong and capable, they are less
likely to go along with bullying or turn a blind eye to what
they witness. They may even take the risky step of standing up
for those who are being picked on.
-
Keep the
lines of communication open. Doing things with your
teens that they like to do lets them know you care about what
matters to them. When that trust is there, they're more likely
to open up about things they've seen or may be experiencing.
-
Use
movies, books, television shows as conversation starters about
bullying. Movies like Mean Girls, the recent
Lifetime TV adaptation of the book Odd Girl Out and many
fiction and non-fiction books tackle the topic of relational
bullying. Check the Web site of The Empowered Program,
http://www.empowered.org/, for book
recommendations for young adults.
-
Encourage
your teens toward activities to help build their self-esteem
and respect for others. Sports, martial arts, music
and the arts and volunteering are a few good options.
-
If you overhear a screaming phone
conversation or your teen is agitated after checking e-mail,
don't be afraid to ask what's wrong
or intervene, if necessary. Just because teens say
they don't want your help doesn't mean they have the
wherewithal to actually handle a bullying problem that's out
of control.
-
Respect
that teens' problems are significant to them. True,
teens can be dramatic when it comes to their problems,
particularly with friends. However, try to avoid dismissing
what they tell you as insignificant - though they are likely
to have much larger problems in their adult lives, what they
are experiencing now is what matters most to them now.
At
http://www.cyberbully.org families can download a guide that
defines the language teens use, describes the scope of the
problem and offers ways to prevent it from happening in your
home.
Research shows that teens who are
emotionally or relationally bullied can suffer high levels of
stress, depression and loneliness. Depending on the extent of
the bullying, the emotional scars may stay with them well into
adulthood. They can find it much harder to form friendships and
work well in groups because of a lack of trust. They may also
have difficulty controlling their emotions and may turn to
drugs, alcohol or experiment early with sex as a way of coping
with their pain.
For permission to reprint this article, please contact the Capital Region BOCES Communications Service at (518) 786-3263 or email us at
dbushsuf@gw.neric.org.
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